Ask and ye shall receive

Since the last blog, a lot has transpired. That house that I dreamed of? I'm sitting in it, typing this on the computer in the playroom. We got the house ready for market and had an offer 3 days before the day we were to officially list. We accepted the offer and moved forward. Our old house is gone, hacked up and under construction, sold to a developer who will reap the benefits of turning our old 2 bedroom, 1 bath into a 4 bedroom, 3 bath home.

So, the initial feelings were pure bliss...gratitude beyond belief, amazed we didn't have to have people tromp through our house for showings etc. We have had countless parties and barbecues, play dates and gatherings. It's been 2 months since we moved in and now I'm feeling....regret. Yes, regret. I miss my old neighborhood, am anxious about this one...love the neighbors but miss the sense of community I had in the old hood. I hate transitions. Loathe them. I talked about how much I hate moving in my last post and that's about how much I hate any kind of transition. I hate not knowing what's happening next, where I'm going, what I should be doing. Nick has started a new preschool 2 afternoons/week and my demons of self-doubt, second guessing and remorse are rearing their ugly heads.

I don't feel at home. Regardless of the size of our small little house in North Denver, it was home. Home sweet home, tiny, messy, cluttered home. Still home. This place is just....not home yet. I hope it does start to feel like home soon because as much as I'd like, there is no home to go back to. This is one bell that can't be unrung. I hate this feeling of being untethered, it's an uncomfortable, tangible kinetic anxiety that races through my body leaving me rattled and exhausted. Consequently I'm impatient with my kids and my husband, creating more distance between me and the people I most desperately need to feel connected to--heaping guilt onto the anxiety already in the mix. This guilt/anxiety martini is one cocktail that doesn't go down smooth.

Now, if I could just recapture some of that prayer and faith from my April posting--that sense that all is well and is unfolding as it should. That is my prayer now, that I get through this phase quickly...that I find the faith I lack to know that even if I don't have the answers now, good things will transpire and I can have the home, school, church community and sense of belonging that I envisioned our family would have in moving. Here's hoping some positive feelings will flow more freely in the next few months.